While a sheer delight to some, this conundrum is a tedious chore for most of us. The haut monde, for instance, factor in the season and trends, textures and fabric, color matching, accessorizing, a slew of niggling, but — to them — intriguing details. In their eyes, appearance counts.
For the rest of us, the hoi polloi, clothed is the goal. Period. For us, being clean and dry is all we ask. Wet and dirty is exclusively for indoors, shut away from society. Picture yourself when you step from the shower and notice the distinct, unavoidable caveman similarities. Motivation flies right out the window. Which is precisely why I developed my system. Fashion is too much work.
My process is foolproof: shorts and tshirt April through October, Levi’s and turtleneck November through March. For a formal or business-y occasion? Khakis and collared shirt. Grab whatever’s on top or at the front, tuck, zip, cinch, tie, and go. Beginning to end, we’re talking 10 minutes, tops. I could do it in my sleep and it often looks like I did.
The beauty part is, I blend right into the woodwork. No one pays any attention to me, I become, for all intents and purposes, invisible. Out in the world I’m the human equivalent of white noise in my bland, conventional clothes. There’s actually a name for this particular type of couture: normcore. I, however, call it camouflage. The puzzle is why I use my clothes as a hiding place.
The greatest difficulty? You need to be comfortable with a low bar in terms of appearance. And I am. I don’t wear makeup or jewelry, have low maintenance, wash-and-go hair, don’t mind wrinkles in my clothes or on my face, and I rarely look in the mirror. Although that does come back to bite me — I forget to check my zipper a lot. I don’t know why, I just do. Next time, would you be kind enough to point it out to me? Thank you.